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November 08, 2006

The Grossest thing I ever Ate

When I was little I ate a hamster turd. I remember it all very clearly. I was playing with my hamster, a fine chap named Fuzzy, in a lincoln log town I had built. It was something like an old Japanese horror movie. Fuzzy waddled his large fuzzy self all around the town destroying every fence and building I had construced (for that very purpose of course). I had been feeding him, and I saw what I thought was a sunflower seed. I picked it up and popped it in my mouth. I knew by the way it smooshed in my teeth that it wasn't a sunflour seed. I learned by looking around that it was one of many fresh turds lying about the ruined town.

Well... that wasn't the grosest thing.

I ate my boogers until shortly after my 18th birthday. It's not that I particularly loved the way they tasted, I think I liked the shock factor of it all. I could instantly horrify almost anyone. Those I didn't gross out I formed a special bond with. Me and a few three years olds really had something deep in common. I also liked rebelling against such an established social law. I was not going to let society tell me what I could and couldn't do. Besides, I reasoned, it wasn't that gross. I was just moving something a couple of inches from the nostril to the mouth. It was inside of me in the first place, I was just moving it.

Laura didn't agree. About three years ago she put her foot down and said it had to stop. "You know your body expells those for a reason. You're eating your body's own excrement" Whe was a nursing student, a health care professional, for crying out loud! How could I argue with her. I am very proud to tell you all that I am about to celebrate my third aniversary of booger sobriety. I am a changed man.

If you're grossed out, just stop reading now. It doesn't get any prettier... or tastier.

One time on a dare I tried to eat a live grasshopper. It wasn't a small little hopper or a cricket. It was one of those giant dudes with wings and can spit orange tobacco juice. I had five dollars to win and my dignity to defend so I popped him right in my mouth. I figured one or two chews and I'd swallow him mostly whole. Everything changed when he started kicking me. He kicked my cheeks, my tongue and finally he kicked my lips and a great big, spiky leg stuck out of my mouth. I was grossed out, and horrified. I felt totally cruel, and maybe a little bit nauseous. I spat him out and let him go free.

That was way gross, but I didn't technically eat him.

I've eaten canned brains, roadkill deer, the disected heart of a cow, milk and lemon juice cocktails, fish eggs from a dirty pond, and a live minnow. I count all these as delicacies when compared to the other thing I ate.

I believe that now you have all come to recognize me as somewhat of an authority on gross things to eat. I trust that you will believe me when I tell you about what was hands down, the grossest thing that has ever crossed my lips.

I went on a family vacation to Florida a couple of years ago and we visited the everglades. It was a pretty sweet trip. Shane and I caught an aligator, we went snorkeling with my mom and a school of barracudas, ate some delicious key lime pie on Key West, and rode one of those super fast fan boats around the everglades.

One day we were hiking around some trails in the everglades when Shane and I spotted an orange tree. We climbed it and picked a fresh, wild orange right off the branch. It was beautiful! So ripe, totally organic. I peeled and bit into it... It was like somebody kicked me in the teeth. I chewed it up, it was like somebody pulled my tongue out. It was horrible!!! There are no words for how horrible this orange was. It was the most bitter, and the mos sour thing I have ever tasted. I have no explanation. It was ripe, it was fresh, it was orange... All I have to say is, if you ever find a wild orange, pass it up. Even if you are starving.

Ps. What's the grossest thing you ever ate?

Posted by ian on November 8, 2006 11:28 PM


a worm.

Posted by: jason on November 9, 2006 12:01 AM

once when i was little, some 'friends' of mine convinced me to eat a japanese beatle out of one of those trap doo-dads. i dont remember the taste, but i cant imagine eating beatle + beatle poison is even remotely pleasant.

Posted by: bsweber on November 9, 2006 04:28 AM

One of Ian's boogers.

Posted by: Xerxes [TypeKey Profile Page] on November 9, 2006 08:10 AM

i used to go and pick fresh oranges for breakfast when we stayed at mimis and she had these orange trees. they were delicious. what do you think ian ate?

Posted by: josh on November 9, 2006 06:02 PM

yeah it wasn't an orange as we know it, because fresh oranges taste delicious and don't need any processing to taste good.

and even if it was a gross tasting wild orange, no way in the world it's more gross then a hamster turd or a live bug or a booger.

Posted by: jason on November 9, 2006 07:26 PM

the orange probably was full of pesticide. what i can't get over is how Ian mistook a turd for a sunflower-seed. they look nothing alike.

Posted by: childish on November 9, 2006 07:35 PM

Ian, you are one sick puppy.

Posted by: SnakeMan on November 9, 2006 09:30 PM


Posted by: Jenna on November 10, 2006 04:16 PM

Weird things I've eaten that tasted good: fried frog leggs, freeze-dried sardines, craw-dads, friskies cat-food, and mud.
I agree with Ian that things are only truely gross when you expect them to rock your taste-buds' world. First thing that came to mind: I bought a HyPoint chocolate milk the other day--ususally the BEST chocolate milk on the face of the EARTH--and I was so excited. I opened it. It smelled funny, but I thought "impossible!" so I took a big swig... and everything got dark for a minute while I spewed into the kitchen sink. It was curdled and I was horrified. I want my money back. And some extra for pain and suffering.

Posted by: Laura on November 10, 2006 04:52 PM

"things are only truely gross when you expect them to rock your taste-buds' world" . .. and when they are waste product from a hamster.

Posted by: jason on November 11, 2006 09:10 AM

ok, you win on that one. That's gross.

Posted by: Laura on November 11, 2006 06:34 PM

LOL. You know, it was kind of gross how I ate that 3 week old roadkill that was rotting on the side of the road, but it's not like I expected it to taste really good or anything, so maybe it wasn't that gross. :-)

I used to have a aftercare job at a elementary school and the absolute best fringe benefit was that I got to take home all the unclaimed chocolate milk on Friday's because they would go bad by Monday -- and honestly there would be a lot every week.

Normally it was incredible, but I know what you're talking about because every once in a while you'd have the prematurely putrid carton. Such a horrible, unfair shock.

Of course, I learned to smell it first.

Posted by: jason on November 12, 2006 07:48 PM

I honestly cannot think of anything anywhere near as gross as the items on your list. I think the gross tasting stuff in life really helps us appreciate the good stuff!

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