Me from a while ago

I'm giving away my PC computer that I've had for. . . I think 7 years (I need to free up the desk for my photography equipment). It's the computer that got me through college, and there are a whole lot of old "Works" files on it.

"Works" is the word processing software I used to use, but it's not compatible with any word processing files on my Mac. So, I've spent the last couple of days opening every single one of them and then saving them as Word files. It's taken awhile, but I don't want to lose all of the files, you know?

It's actually been a very strange experience. Having been out of school for a while, I've been working "in the real world," or whatever you want to call a large corporation. And now reading the papers that I wrote for my philosophy classes, my history classes, all of my classes. . . man I feel like in many ways I was just smarter back then.

Of course I know part of it is the same phenomena that I experience when looking at pictures of myself. . . I tend to like the ones that are from a while ago more than recent ones -- because I've had the time and seperation to be more objective about them, and thus appreciate them more objectively. Since in many ways I'd forgotten even writing these essays, stories, skits, etc , I could read them as if I were another person. And some of it was pretty cool, because I was honestly somewhat impressed by myself (I'm not bragging, just honestly describing what I experienced) -- kind of thinking, "Wow, I Wrote that?"

Anyway, all this to say that it's just been weird and unsettling. I've kind of had to fight off this sense of loss, like I've dulled myself by working in a corporation, deadened something bright and alive that once lived inside of me. But I know that I have to step back and attempt not to overdramatize things -- I know who I was when I wrote this stuff, and I was the same guy. I think it's just that I've not been especially challenged in the same way. I mean actually I have been challenged -- but it's by database schemas, marketing strategies, demographics. . . yawn. Right, nothing really worth reading years later. .. (Although I have to add that I don't regret a second I've spent there. I've learned lessons that will serve me well for the rest of my life, making me much more complete than if I hadn't done this. . .)

My termination date is 9/3. I have to say that when I first saw that on a sheet of paper, I felt somewhat sad. It's just so final. I've gotten a lot of success at my job, made a lot of friends. But sifting through my thoughts put down on paper in college, I've no doubt that I'm making the right decision leaving. This period of my life was fruitfull in many unimaginable ways, but I need to be challenged again. I'm looking forward to going back to school, to developing my passion for music, photography, drama and film. . . to working on my graphic design skills.

It's like I'm answering this charge that I wrote in my senior year of college:

I refuse to believe that our best days are ever behind us, but I know that for some they are. I refuse to believe that some can waste their dreams away, but I know that some do. I refuse to believe that young people with dreams somehow turn into middle and old-aged people with nothing but memories, but I know that many do.

Will you dream? Should I?

Can you still lasso the moon? Do you even still want to? Are you working towards it?
Maybe the elves can teach you how to make those fine shoes yourself next time they visit. Perhaps they will show me as well.

I do not want to end up being someone who has done a so-so job raising children, been adequate as a husband, earned some money, and now derives no greater pleasure or meaning from life than what can be found in the next episode of Jeopardy. I am working to avoid falling into this. . . What are you doing to prevent it?