Real Men

Of all the ridiculous things in the world, perhaps one of the most absurd and obnoxious are the “real men” statements you hear from time to time. It seems to me that a lot of guys are pretty concerned with their manhood, so much so that they proclaim what they do to be incredibly manly, hoping people will believe them, hoping that they can define masculinity to their advantage.

You know what I’m talking about, it’s the “real men” bumper stickers and tee shirts. I’ve been paying attention to them recently and here are some that I have heard: “Real men cook for charity” “Real men hunt deer” “Real men wear green” (yeah, those are the Eagles fans) “Real men work for peace” “Real men don’t use botox” “Real men don’t waste their hormones growing hair” “Real men love Jesus” “Real Men Cry” “Real men have bagels” “Real men don’t eat quiche” “Real men don’t use gloves” “Real men don’t need facts” “Real men don’t ask for are directions” . Here is one that metrosexuals advertise, “Real men wax”

So what about the people that don’t do these things? Am I less of a man because I like quiche? Am I less of a man because I don’t wax my bikini line? I’m convinced that these statements are made by people who are a little bit insecure. Maybe if they can proclaim their ridiculous “masculinity” loudly and persistently maybe people will actually believe them one day.

So this got me thinking. What could you write on a t-shirt that is true of all real men? I thought about this long and hard, searching my heart and mind for a solution, thinking about what it is that universally makes a man a man. First was the obvious thought, “real men have [male reproductive equipment]” but then I got to thinking about all the poor souls that have been incredibly unfortunate. Is Lance Armstrong half the man that Michael Jackson is? I think not. Clearly the answer was not so simple, or was it?

I have discovered the answer. “real men have a Y chromosome.” I was going to start my own “real man” clothing line, but Laura told me that the only people who would ever buy it are the biology geeks. Oh well. Too bad it’s always the geeks that have the best sense of humor.