Kurt Cobain

I just finished reading Heavier than Heaven a biography of Kurt Cobain.

I have to say, it was a very emotional experience. By the end, there were tears coming out of my eyes. And all throughout reading the chronicle of his tragic life, yet at the same time getting a peak of his genius and humanity, I had this great sense of loss. For his daughter, Frances Bean especially. And for myself, frankly.

Just a young teenager, I loved Nirvana. The way their sound just wiped the world clean of glam rock and made it all seem so hollow (which is was). . . I was so taken by their honesty, the reality, and the songs.

I know it may sound insane, but in late 1993 I started to really get the sense that I should write him a letter. Just to let him know that at least this one person appreciated him, that he was this precious child of God, that he deserved comfort and hope, that he was so. .. oh I don't know. . .special. And as difficult as it may be to sometimes tell, I thought that God was telling me to write this letter.

But I never wrote it. Things got busy. . . oh who knows. There is always time, right?

Well, you know the end to this particularly pitiful story. Kurt loads himself up with Heroin, and uses a shotgun to end his life here.

Would my letter made any difference? Probably not. Probably he wouldn't have even been able to read it. Probably he got lots of letters like this.

But now reading this account of his life, reading about his desperate loneliness, his hopelessness . . . just his general sense of worthlessness. I can see that the letter I would have written would have at least tried to really end that in a small way. Kurt, Kurt, no! Please don't keep walking down this path, stop writing this story with it's inevitable ending.

The book is filled with fascinating insights into this sad life. One I will mention just because it continues to stick with me. Kurt was backstage - their band was huge, Nevermind had just sold 8 million copies - and he sees an old friend, a lead singer of another Northwest band that was opening for them. They weren't particularly close, but when Kurt sees him he walks up to him and just falls into an embrace with him, where he clings and won't pull away for minutes.

Oh Kurt, if I could bring you back and figure out a way for it to all turn out differently, I would. You were special. You were worthy of hope and companionship. . . Kurt, I just pray that you are in an embrace now, one that will last longer than minutes, and one that will give you everything you were missing in this lifetime.

And I'm sorry for not writing that to you sooner.