Roadside Assistance

I have a habit. I am always looking for people by the road who look like the might need help, then I try to help them. It sounds pretty simple, but it's not. about 95% of the time they either don't need help or I scare them. Wouldn't you be scared if I tried to help you?


(Thanks beth for making me a real redneck)

Last week I made three stops. The first one was on my way to work. I was driving down route 1 at about 6:45 in the morning and I saw a giant snapping turtle on the shoulder. When snappers get it into their little brains that they should cross the road, there is absolutely no stopping them. You can turn them around, carry them away from the road, or whatever, but they will cross the road. Everybody drives about 70 mph down this road, so I knew there was very little chance of it surviving. Now I know that snapping turtles are not people, but I think they are worth helping too, so I pulled over on the shoulder, ran back to where it was, and realized I was barefoot. I grabbed the turtle by the tale and heaved him off the ground, trying to keep it away from my legs. He snapped over and over, and his mouth closing sounded like somebody clapping. I got across the road without getting my leg bitten off or being run over by a car, and I threw the turtle under the other gaurd rail. I don't think what I did was very appreciated, but little did he know what I had saved him from.

The next day on the way home from work I ws going down 273 when a car in the opposite lane swerved onto the shoulder and hit the brakes. An old man jumped out of the car and ran around to the passenger side of the car. He really looked like he might need help, so I pulled over, got out of my car, and called across the streed, "Sir, do you need any help?" Well, he took one look at me, ran back around his car and took off, looking terrified. I thought it was rather odd untill I saw myself in the rear view mirror. I'd been carrying rotten logs all day long and my face was covered in dirt. You could hardly see where my beard stopped and my face started, my hair was sticking everywhere, and I had a grimy button down shirt unbuttoned and hanging open. I looked insane.

A day or two later, I was looking for a shortcut home from work and I was lost, wandering around cecil county. I looked down a road I was crossing and saw a hitchhiker off in the distance. I had gotten off 45 minutes early, so I decided to go and pick the person up. I only hoped that they knew where they were going, because I had no idea where I was. As I got closer I noticed that it was a woman. I haven't had the best luck trying to help women in situations like this. Usually I just end up scaring them. Soon though, I realized that I would not be scaring this woman, she would be scaring my. Her hair was tangled and flying everywhere, she looked frantic, and her face... well, it was absolutely smashed in, twistet, and deformed.

I had been about halfway pulled over, but when I saw her I left. I couldn't do it. "This is not safe!" I thought. but as I passed her a thought came to me clear as day, "Jesus loved the unlovable."

"Well that was cool for Jesus," I thought, but he was God and stuff, that was his job. It would be crazy for me to pick her up. She might kill me, she might need much more help than I can give her, and I don't want to get in over my head. Besides she looks... crazy and dangeroud."

"I wonder what the guy the good Samaratan helped out looked like" came the other thought. I had clearly lost the argument. I turned around and picked her up.

As soon as I pulled over she yelled, "Thank you so much! I'm harmless, I'm so sorry about my face! I'm so sorry... I was in a horrable accident" I felt like a lousy person for not picking her up the first time.

"Hey it happens... I'm sorry" I said. I didn't know what else to say. "Where are you headed?"

"Just a couple of miles down the street, It's hot out and I need a drink. I won't lie to you, I need vodka. I've been tutering a dyslexic kid. It's frustrating cuz you talk to him all day and he can't comprehend nuthin and now my nerves are F___ed." He can't read or nuthin, he's got one of them computers that talk to you."

I drove her to the liquor store then I drove her back to her house while she took shots and gave me advice on girls.